"You can't even have a child, dude."

Three weeks ago, we talked about virtual harassment and objectification where we also cited the sentence used as a title for this post. We are aware that this sentence was supposed to be an insult and that many same-sex couples would feel hurt. But: we don't.

Both of us don't want kids. There was a time Ilse thought she would have children one day, but Else never really planned on it. So telling us that we can't have a child doesn't do anything to us. At least not directly. But it still maddens us. This intentionally hurtful comment is based upon the heteronormative supposition that every woman eventually wants to have at least one child. Most of us have been told that ‘we just don’t know it yet,’ that ‘we haven’t met the right person (man) yet,’ that ‘we will see that we really do want children eventually,’ and that ‘we will surely regret our decision one day.’

No. No. No. No. We are indeed capable of making this decision. We are able to know what we want. It’s not about the right partner, it’s about our inherent wishes. We don’t need another person to ‘show’ us what we want. Not every woman wants a child.

But even if we had the wish: there are other possibilities to have a child—even for a same-sex couple. And we are glad that these options exist, at least in some countries, and we hope that one day, everyone who wants kids can have them. Being a good parent isn’t based on your gender and your sexuality. You can have children without bearing them. But we just don't choose to.